Those of you who thought that the investigation into the CRU's dodgy professor would take until Spring 2010 will be pleasantly surprised that the outcome is already known. In a world exclusive I can reveal the outcome. My Russian spies have provided me with an email which reveals all.
From: Sir Muir Russell KCB FRSE <email@example.com>
To: Phil Jones <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 7 Dec 2009 11:30:23 GMT
Subject: Oh my head!
Dear Phil,Investigation into the key allegations arising from e-mails hacked from CRU
Here are my notes so far. Shouldn't take a few days to knock this out. We can keep it in your cellar to 'mature' until the spring.
1. I have examined the emails in question....great night the other night though wasn't it. Was it really the Russians? If so I suppose that would explain all that grog that ended up in the university's cellar...henceforth vodka will not pass these lips...anyone who claims it doesn't hit you hard the next day is a bloody liar.
2. As to whether I can confirm or deny that global warming is a massive scam based on dodgy data and collusion between a small group of 43 climate scientists, I have no comment. [Does that sound too weak? Let me know either way please Phil. It's obviously absurd though isn't it Phil. I don't know about you but I don't even know 43 academics that I'm on speaking terms with]
3. Without the funding that Prof Phil Jones has managed to attract to this esteemed institution it is clear that the university would long ago have sunk beneath the fens. For this, Prof Jones has my hearty congratulations. [Do have a think about my idea of setting up in Glasgow though, won't you Phil. Not so flat, more nightlife, direct flights to Europe and I've a nice wee still in my basement if you fancy a dram]
4. I would like to take this opportunity to announce that Prof Jones has won another £5m grant from the UN to help pay for a new more secure computer system. [Do you actually have the folding, just that I don't want to look like an idiot if those morons in Saudi are holding up the process, etc.]
5. Re the question of whether the university broke Freedom of Information Act rules by refusing to delete [or did you say release?] data then it is clear that the answer is no. After all, the data was released, and the zip file had the name FOI.zip. What more proof could anyone ask for that all relevant UK law was followed. [Sorry my memory of that stage of the evening is a bit iffy, perhaps you could fix up this paragraph for me and send it back]
Anyway when you get this, let's get Mann-san on the phone late this afternoon as you suggested, and make sure he is happy. Do the timezones work getting Stefan from Potsdam on the call also? Hope he made his flight! Jumping the gun a bit but do you need my draft signed off by all 43 scientists, or are you three able to speak for the rest?
Good luck with the disguise at Copenhagen. You certainly had me fooled! You'll be fine.